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Sunday, October 5, 2008

What constructive criticism will get you!

I submitted this peom for some some constructive critique and did I get my poem slashed and torn apart! I was encouraged particularly by a bloke going by the pseudonym, Bythesea. Here is what he had to say about my write:

Here is what I wrote:

© Stani, All rights reserved

A world held in the throes of darkness
a world looking for a way out of
the quagmire of destruction
that besets it.

The struggle within
has been intense.
Struggle evokes memories
of a life that once was pure.

Everywhere we had turned to
we saw destruction.
We saw oppression, repression
no way out of the clutches of evil.

In our innocence
we thought
safety,
joy.

We looked at our little ones,
innocence personified.
Who will be there for them
when we are gone?

Dark thoughts
swirling in our minds
in a world gone dark
with sorrow, with hopelessness.

Now out of the darkness
comes a herald
bringing a message
of hope, of light!

At first it looks like a
mirage,
apparition,
deception.

Look further
look within
find that strength
to fight off clutches of darkness.

Fight it off, for,
hope is here at last
the light is coming
prepare to meet the light!

The Light of the universe comes
bringing with it
joy, peace,
truth and love.

Now we shall have the last laugh.
We shall look into the abyss
yes, even step into it and
we shall emerge victorious.

We shall stare straight into the
eyes of the dark ones
we shall shine the light into their eyes
we shall bring hope to them.

Oh! Joy!
The Light! Sweet light is coming!
Prepare!
Prepare!
**

Here is the critique:

I question-- but kindly and lightly-- why the hourglass
figure? Why draw attention to a poem when attention
ought be drawn away?

I will list phrases that ought not, ever, grace a line of
poetry again in this lifetime-- and a few hours into eternity.

throes of darkness
quagmire of destruction
life thaat once was pure
clutches of evil
innocence personified
prepare to meet the light
dark thoughts swirling in our minds
message of hope, of light
peace, joy, truth and love
emerge victorious

and the rest.

All here is good evangelical, pentacostalism-- lessons that scream
their value if one's belief lies in such, but please do it in prose, not
in a poem. Allow these woeful warnings (George Fox-- "Woe to the
city of Lichfield!") to come in prose.

Poetry requires CONCRETE details which correlate to abstractions.

When I read 'throes of darkness,' I poured myself a shot of Bushmills
Irish whiskey, drank it and then went out and bashed my face against
the lamp post just outside my study, then I injected Nexium in my
left eyeball.

However, I will rescind this reply if you can tell me what 'a throe of dark-
ness' is, or a 'clutch of evil.' What is evil? And when is evil clutching?
**

A world held in the throes of darkness
a world looking for a way out of
the quagmire of destruction
that besets it.
**
How it might have been written ...
how it all would end,
how it all would go.

***
They said the bulb would last and light
my way to the sink, to drink-- and I
a Kansas City housewife standing
in the doorway of destructions and eruptions
and corruptions-- on Doomsday.

Is everyone safe?
Does everyone have a place to hide?

Then I sent the children out to play ...

##
bythesea

http://www.splashhall.org/poetry_forums/index.php/topic,14202.0.html

There you go, you go looking for it, you will get more than you bargained for:

When I read 'throes of darkness,' I poured myself a shot of Bushmills
Irish whiskey, drank it and then went out and bashed my face against
the lamp post just outside my study, then I injected Nexium in my
left eyeball.
 
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